The Rear View Lens

The clatter of metal pans, along with the haze of something heated beyond comfort, let me know what was happening in “my” kitchen… my husband was cooking.  I approached the room cautiously hoping to catch him in his hot dish mojo.  As expected, he was flitting from stove, to fridge, to sink.  The counter was buried beneath bags, boxes, bowls, and bedlam, while nearby vegetable shrapnel sprayed the floor in a grisly tale of man versus casserole.

What I did not expect was that as he hummed and prepared our evening meal he watched the DVD of our marriage vows and honeymoon.  How sweet is that? How sweet is he?

Before long I was sucked into the moments of our wedding too.  It has almost been twelve years since we said our “I do through thick and thin’s.”  The DVD is a bit grainy as it was copied from video, but it was fun to witness, once again, the people in attendance, and to watch the minister drop my wedding ring on the floor.  Some giggles and quick stepping re-produced the wayward circular symbol, and my soon-to-be husband gently pushed it on my finger.  It has been there ever since.

After the wedding and reception segments the DVD switches to our honeymoon cruise aboard a WindStar masted ship.  I look at my younger self and feel more that a bit surprised.  Why?  Well, allow me to explain it this way…

Have you ever seen a current photograph of yourself and cringed?  You thought you looked __________________(insert any of the following…fat, pimply, ugly, bloated, hideous, old, really bad in that “what was I thinking?”outfit, as if someone had glued a sloth to your head).

But, a decade or more goes by and you see the photograph again. “Hey, I didn’t look so bad back then! My ___________ (insert any of the following…arms, butt, teeth, boobs, purse, eyes, permed hair, thighs, Bedazzled jeans, pores, legs, shoulder pads, turquoise eye shadow), looked pretty good. Why did I hate my appearance back then, when it is soooooo much worse now?”

Yeah, that’s why I was surprised. I actually thought I didn’t look too bad, and how often can I say that? At least while sober?

The DVD of our honeymoon showed me as a woman unafraid to wear…gasp!… shorts in public!  I sauntered confidently on the beach–and other tourist venues—while exposing plump, tan, thighs and nobody pointed and laughed.  I even smiled into the camera constantly wielded by my newly minted, legal husband.  Given the number of photographs he seemed to think my every move and expression was priceless.  Thankfully he’s gotten over that as the years have unfolded.

Now days I wear shorts if I’m reasonably sure the one and only witness will be our dog. And allowing my photo to be taken? Let’s just say if my husband starts swinging the camera lens in my direction objects get thrown, and threats get hurled.  The “delete” button is my sanity, and my friend.

Do you want to know the real shocker for me?  As the DVD concluded my husband and I looked at each other and sighed.

“Would you do it all over?” he asked.

“In a heartbeat,” I replied.  But then my insecurities got the best of me and I could not resist tearing myself down. “Sorry I’m not as thin as I was back then.”

He looked at me in what appeared to be genuine confusion.  “What do you mean? You look exactly the same.”

I searched his face for any signs of the “BS” factor, and it was blessedly absent.  Maybe the graininess if the DVD blurs the changes I see and he doesn’t, or maybe my sweetie’s love goggles keep him blind to the shifting curves of my body.

I don’t know, and I don’t care.  I just know I’m one lucky woman…one with a messy kitchen and a romantic husband.