Aging Schmaging

Women's Issues Midlife And Beyond

  • Aging Schmaging
  • Home
  • Blog
  • About
  • Contact
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
aging schmaging Dad
You are here: Home / Musings About Aging / A Grave Reminder: Be My Best

A Grave Reminder: Be My Best

March 22, 2017 By Gail

aging schmaging Dad

eDad visiting his mother’s house in Norway.

There’ll be two dates on your tombstone, and all your friends will read ’em but all that’s gonna matter is that little dash between ’em.

~ Kevin Welch

     A woman, shoulders hunched against the persistent March wind, gazed at the marble headstone before her. Head bowed, she seemed to be in meditation or reliving memories. I felt, no absorbed, her moody somberness as my husband and I threaded our way through the Ft. Snelling cemetery.

     We were looking for my father’s grave, number 3165, in a sea of conformity. Row upon row of markers stood with soldier-like vigilance. It was both confusing and unbelievable. We had been there many times before but new graves spread before us in precise lines and muddy rectangles, obscuring what was.

     My husband found Dad’s grave first. “Here he is,” he called, and I rushed over half expecting to…what? Feel Dad’s presence? Magically smell the Old Spice aftershave he preferred? (Or did he? Maybe we had given him so much of the stuff over the years he felt obligated to use it up.) But there was no Old Spice fragrance, nor was there a spiritual feeling that he was there with me.
     I put my hand on the headstone. “Hi Dad,” I said. “Thank you for all you gave to me. And thank you for living through me now in my beliefs, laughter, and behaviors.”
My husband snuffled a little, and I saw he was blinking back tears.
    “Dad,” I continued, “Sasha says she thinks about you all the time, and Bryce dreams about you and the farm. I guess I need you to know you are missed, and you are remembered.” I wiped the back of my hand beneath my eyes. I was a “Daddy’s girl,” and proud of it.  He never liked it when I cried.
     Later, as my husband and I walked back to our car, I noted the woman still stood before the grave she was visiting. Her grief was evident, and I wondered about her story. Their story. Was she hoping for a whiff of aftershave too? Was she feeling comforted by standing near his physical remains?
     As much as I need to visit Dad’s grave, particularly around his birthday–March 28th–he is not there. I mean he is, but he isn’t. Seeing the headstone only makes the loss real.
     The good stuff–his spirit, his memory, his teachings–are with me, around me, part of me every day. Dad used to say, “I don’t care if you are the best. I do care that you do your best.”
    His birthday is almost here. My gift to him is to follow his advice, allow my perfectly imperfect self to do the best I can, and believe it is enough.
Thank you, Dad.
«
»

Filed Under: Musings About Aging Tagged With: grave

Avatar photo

A Message From Gail

Through my blog and website, I hope to share beauty, laughter, inspiration, aging & midlife lessons and advice on dealing with menopause. I will also devote time to integrative health and healing tips and news. I want feedback and questions because, while we may be sharing the journey, every woman has her own experience and her own story.

Get Our FREE 
Coloring Book!

Comments

  1. Danielle Otten says

    March 23, 2017 at 10:20 am

    I wish I had gotten to know him better. Thank you for sharing this story, you have a gift for writing.

    • Avatar photoGail says

      March 29, 2017 at 8:42 pm

      I wish you could have known him better too. The rift with your father never left him, and that is a sadness.

  2. Tad gates says

    March 29, 2018 at 10:38 am

    Alvin left his mark on many and I appreciate that I was able to know him. Tad Gates

    • Avatar photoGail says

      April 3, 2018 at 7:55 pm

      Thank you, Lover. It means so much that I can share my feelings with you.

Download
Our FREE
Coloring Book!

Categories

  • Giveaways
  • Menopause
  • Midlife Sex
  • Musings About Aging
  • Recipes
  • Remembering
  • Sharing
  • The Best Part Of My Day

Recent Posts

  • “Have Fun,” he said, and it made all the difference
  • Where Have I Been?
  • Past, Present, and Future: What I am Learning as My Husband Recovers from A Stroke By Gail Gates
  • In One Stroke, My World Changed
  • Christmas Fingerprints On The Surface Of My Heart

Navigate My Site

  • Home
  • About
  • Blog
  • Contact

Recent Posts

  • “Have Fun,” he said, and it made all the difference
  • Where Have I Been?
  • Past, Present, and Future: What I am Learning as My Husband Recovers from A Stroke By Gail Gates
  • In One Stroke, My World Changed
  • Christmas Fingerprints On The Surface Of My Heart

Connect With Me

  • Facebook
  • Instagram

Copyright © 2025 · Gail Theme On Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

Cleantalk Pixel