Have you ever intentionally frozen a moment into your memory? I have. The why of it seems less important than the ability to conjure, at will, an image or scent or sound. For instance I clearly remember giving birth to my children. Not just the labor pains racking my body and tearing places I didn’t want torn, but the scratchiness of the sheets, the coolness of the bed rail, the feeling that I needed to submit to something unknown.
In another vivid memory more apropos to the holiday season, I’m sitting on my grandmother’s front door steps. It’s Christmas Eve, cold, with overweight snowflakes hitting my cheeks. I look over at my parent’s farm and know I should be getting home to help with chores.
Each year on Christmas Eve, after the animals had been fed, milked, stabled or let out, Mom allowed each of us to open one small gift. I believe it was meant to take the edge off of our childish “tonight’s the night†frenzy. As my brothers hunkered near the tree and compared toys, Mom and I baked two Jeno’s pizzas from box kits. Do they still make those? I don’t recall if frozen pizza was in existence back then, but having a pizza kit felt incredibly urban—powdered cheese and all.
The pizza disappeared, the table cleared, and we all rushed to change into our church clothes. Required layers of coats, mittens, and boots–mostly matching–doubled our body size. Someone—usually Dad—yelled, “We have to go. Now!†A mad dash, a few good natured pushes, and six bodies piled into the station wagon. The church sat two miles from home so the car never warmed up in time to matter, but the heater wheezed in tempo to the static on the radio.
In route I silently repeated my “piece†of the children’s service. It was pure memory work and if you messed up while standing in front of the congregation it felt like the loneliest place on earth. Speaking softly only helped a tiny bit. Swaying side-to-side while staring at my shoes helped even less. Parishioners glared their disappointment as one or two Sunday school teacher’s whispered prompts from a pew…â€and unto us a child was born…†“A CHILD WAS BORNNNNNNN…†Then, too loudly, I would say, “And unto Guss a child was born.â€
There was predictability in those childhood Christmases that I loved and took for granted. Conjuring my memory, I sit on Grandma’s steps once again. My breath furls and curls into the night air. I touch the metal pipe my uncle rigged as a handrail and wonder if my skin will stick. It doesn’t, but the textures of too many layers of silver paint fascinate me. I will myself to never let go of the moments that blend Christmas Eve’s past and present. The snow. The cold. The anticipation of church and pizza and gifts. The lights from the farm beckoning me to come home. It’s all there and I’m adrift in childish wonderment. The chores, once again, can wait.
Gail, My grandmother’s house was filled with wonderful smells, but the very best part about my grandmother is that she listened to me. There was none of the ‘harried mother’ about her. Her calm, quiet, loving heart was always open to me and it filled me with a confidence I didn’t get from anyone else in my life. When there were family gatherings, filled with noise and excessive energy, I often snuck away to the piano room and quietly played. Grandma would usually find me and sit beside me while I played. She never scolded me for being alone when there were so many people to see. She always listened to my music, often saying simply, “I liked that.” No scolding, just listening . . . . . What could be better in life?
You have hit on an important topic…the sense of time concerning grandmothers or elders. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing my maternal grandfather as he passed away a few months after my birth, and my paternal grandfather lived on the west coast, so I can’t speak to their ability to listen. Grandmother, and her sister Margaret, gave me the gift of time. They listened, and they shared. How lucky are we to have had such grand women in our lives?